I am being tested. Rather, I am currently in the middle of a "testing period" in my life.
Yesterday I read:
"People that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive."
I have self advertised myself as one who wears their heart on their sleeve. I am a self professed "advocate" for the people that won't stand up for themselves and it has gotten me in trouble before. I am pretty stinkin' sensitive - for the love of God, I cry at Hallmark commercials. Or used to, when they had them. I am also stronger than many men - in that I tore my achilles twice - one time ripping through my skin - and never felt the pain. Okay, so the comment isn't actually speaking of actual muscle strength... But still - I felt no physical pain. There's strength in that. Though the "strongest" isn't applying to muscles either. But then, you gathered that.
I spoke of it on Year 1 blog - and my "test" is forcing me back to it here. I lied. Back then. My family knew me as the one who told lies, big and small. Period. I'm not going to drudge it all up. It's a fact. It's not who I am now, nor have I been for a long time now.
It's ironic that as the once upon a time, little liar of the family - that as my life makes it's circle, I have struggled with trust. I had told enough untruths that there are times I can just *feel* when one is being told to me, which fortunately, anymore, is not often! When you were the person I was, you see through words, reactions, passion and presentation. Much like a recovering alcoholic can see in an instant - a person with an addiction issue. I've misread some of them and that's an awful feeling.
Yes. Of course I know that everyone tells a little white lie now and then. Myself not excluded. The kind that are not meant to hurt peoples feelings... For example:
Friend: "Want to go get a bite to eat tonight?"
You: "Oh shoot. Wish I could, but we're out running errands (sitting on the couch) and then God knows what she's got on my list of things to do after that. Raincheck?"
When really... "you" have no plans, but just want to be home and watch 7 episodes of "Sons of Anarchy" and do NOTHING that night. It happens.
Most people aren't going to push you on that. Some will try to pressure you into going, but you just can't. Don't want to. Whatever. It's over. And you know you'll talk to them again another day and nothing will have changed. In fact, they have "done" this to you more than likely. But you're "all good" just the same.
Okay, back up. Lies, in general, are told to protect someone from something hurtful. Mostly though, they are told to protect the person telling it. There are lies that aren't so little and once "it's" happened... it's an "issue". A year ago - prior to my most recent employment - I would have faced one with boxing gloves on and forced the issue at any cost. But this last year was a huge test for The Dad, myself, the boys with all of the changes - and at a time when it seems like it all should be slowing down and there's nothing to really worry about anymore, up something pops.
Not that any lie, expected or not, is welcomed. Well, maybe for some who can't bare to hear the truth - those folks would rather stare a blatant lie in the face and shake on it afterwards... More power to them, and a sad ending sometime later.
I caused a lot of pain in my youth, young adulthood, family and for that I am sorry. I was taking care of number one. Or so I thought. But it caused damage. I will not take full responsibility for how things sit with my family though, we each have our own faults. Most of mine were advertised before I ever wrote them here. I'm long past this part of my path - me lying, that is. I have opinions that are just that. I am still passionate about things I love and believe in and if put in the position to answer something with a truthful answer, that may hurt the one asking, I will do it. Many, now of days, find fault with that - which is one of the many many things wrong in todays world. "We" aren't strong enough to hear the truth. "We" aren't strong enough to tell the truth. "We" aren't bold enough to live the truth.
I have no epiphany or thoughts that writing this will help me right now, but I've spent too much time staring at my screen for two days - feeling a failure that I have lost my words. I left my job to find "me" again - the funny, quick witted me that I lost over the past year (really the past 6 months) - only to end up in this spot.
An unexpected untruth has me down in the dumps. Finding it hard to let it "bounce". Who I am inside won't let it bounce. Who I am inside can't let it bounce. Who I am inside should not let it bounce. Because at this point in my life, I know the difference between what is right and what is wrong.
There's a part of me that thinks I earned this from my distant past. Okay. I'll bite. Deservedly so. I don't put much stock in "forgive and forget". I am getting better at the "forgive" part, but forget - well, we all know that's just NOT in a woman's vocabulary.
But for now - for now... I'm going to try to fill the ball with the small hole in it, up with air, so it can bounce. If just enough to get down the court...
No comments:
Post a Comment