I went through my youth always conceding to whatever my friend or group of friends wanted to do. I liked to make people laugh and just have fun, be included.
There was a point when I started standing up for myself and what was right for me or my family. I remember that exact *moment* that it happened. Where a friend decided to change the plan - on a moments notice. She wasn't married, didn't have kids - and I did. It was there and then that I backed the original plan, said if she didn't like it, that's fine - that I'd played by her rules for far too long and if she didn't like it, sobeit. My family and I were sticking to what we (she and I) had PLANNED on... together. She was dumbfounded. I had never stood up for myself like that (other than to The Dad...) and I wasn't backing down. She still chose the other plan because it was more exciting or "the cool" thing to do. "Go do it." I said. And I closed that door until I was ready to open it.
We lost touch for some time after that. It was about 5 years later when I tracked her down, now married and with a new baby. I had missed out on those moments, it made me sad. Still though, I don't have any regret for standing up for myself. For what was right for me and my family.
I had to stand up for my family again recently and the persons with whom I did that to, weren't pleased. There are people out there (A's) that just expect that people (B's) that have always done what the A's wanted them to do - would just do it. So when a B person stands up for themselves against an A, there's usually some sort of fallout, argument, disagreement... something. A's are used to ALWAYS getting their way. You know when they don't. Everyone knows when they don't.
Now in the case from 15 years ago - that friend ended up back east with no one I knew or even any friendships here maintained - so there was no simple minded, immature talking behind the back, snarking about this or that. There was no Bookface or texting - it would have been more work to try and make "digs" at a person. So for us - it was just out of sight, out of mind and more growing up between the two of us.
We were recently told about a new development with this most recent dynamic and The Dad was sad. Then irked. Then pissed. I just looked at him and shrugged. "Things change." I tell him. "Doesn't make it less sad." says he.
No. It doesn't. He's right.
My mother - with all of her infinite wisdom - would always tell me when my feelings were hurt - to "just let it go." I never did. My heart would hurt and when things were unjust I just never understood why people would hold their tongues. So before I learned to stand up - I learned to insert foot into mouth a lot. Now though - in my opinion, I was doing the right thing. I didn't, and sometimes still don't care if it upsets the other party because if we aren't standing up for ourselves or at least telling the other person why we disagree, or are hurt by what they've said or done - then we are failing ourselves. Hurting ourselves more than perhaps, what the other person has done.
Our son made a spring team a few years back, which a friends son was not asked to be on. Those friends stopped our "friendship" cold turkey without so much as a word - as though we had something to do with it. We were simply stunned. There weren't even any words or conversations about how that had transpired. We only really found out as they spewed venom to people we know who in turn would tell us and it was... insanely immature and hurtful. It's 5 years later and we are able to stop and talk every now and then. It will never be what it was. It was sad. We learned things from it.
I guess someone thinks we've learned enough, lived enough from two different scenarios - moved on from two different scenarios - that it's time for one more. You don't think it will ever sting as bad as the last. But it does. And it's just as sad as the last time, only with different circumstances.
I told The Dad the other day - looking ahead - the positives, and there are some. I guess I must be all growed up, or getting there - because the first two times around I let it consume me, forget about seeing something positive out of it - are you high?!?!?! - and as I started to mow the backyard the other day, thinking about a Bookface post The Dad had seen - I could have easily spent the time and extra internal energy thinking about it, what I could say or do to make the party feel the same hurt and realized after I mowed the lawn - that while those were my first thoughts heading down the first run, they weren't the second, third or last thoughts.
I did it mom. I found a way to just let it go. Sadly, there's a part of me (and I think The Dad thinks this of me) that feels like letting go means I don't care. Maybe that's partially true. I've cared and cared and cared and wanted and opened myself up to lots of disappointment and spoken up about it, which is okay for some to do, but not others (this would apply to me) - only to be disappointed. So like mom always used to say: "What good is saying anything going to do?"
I never listened. I tried... but my heart and what's "right" always got in the way.
So if letting it go looks like I don't care - I think that's a good thing. For me. Every person is different and how actions and words affect them - different. What is easy for some to let go of may be the hardest thing for another. It's just human nature.
We, as a people, shouldn't expect to have it "MY way" every time. We want it our way, sure, but we have to anticipate or make allowance for the people in our lives and do the best we can. We all have to make some concessions and yes, some make them more than others. It's up to each person to find a balance so they are not always the one doing what others want them to do. Sometimes though, when you go your own way, versus following the others, you're bound to lose.
You're also bound to win, too. See the positives.
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